more like gaga

this has been my mantra for a few weeks. more like gaga. as amanda palmer put it, gaga is the "queen of plan a" and i should follow her example more. i have a style, and i think it's a good one. there are things i so want to wear, but the strangest fears and anxieties stop me. i've chanted more like gaga in my head a lot, and it is doing wonders.

i'm not a thin girl, and i never have been, and frankly, no matter how much i tried or succeeded, i never really would be. genetics gave me broad shoulders and hips, and that's bone, which is not something you would ever seek to lose. thick thighs and big breasts from my various grandmothers. some of my quirks are about my weight, some are not, like my weird ski jump nose, no thanks to dad. but i shouldn't say things like "no thanks." i am all for the body-love movement. i love seeing confident women, wearing whatever they want, being HB(s)IC.  but for some reason i have a very hard time translating that for myself and my own life.

hating your body is just awful. this is your vessel! and this is your only vessel. you should respect it and love it, and you should adorn it to honor and celebrate it. i feel like i am all set up in so many ways, and yet, at the end of the day, it's nothing but nitpicking for my body. there is nothing fair about that attitude. being chubby says nothing about my character, intelligence, style, creativity or worth. it's just another Thing about me, like how i have blue eyes.

but blah blah society, blah blah norms. chubby, fat, big have all been made into dirty words. i've let them seep into my mind and break me down with that perspective. but i am really trying to reverse that, honestly, fucked up mindset and to begin carrying myself with pride about what a wonderful vessel i've been blessed with, all the wonderful things it has done, all the places we've been together, the way it makes some pieces of clothing just work. besides a bad back (which is my own fault for heavy messenger bags and backpacks), this body has done nothing wrong to me. other people have told me and convinced me that my body is shameful, and have achieved in making me hate a very innocent party.

wrong in so many ways.

more like gaga. fierce. i'm a hot babe. work it.

i bought a bikini, so here's me wearing the top with absolutely no makeup on and super-sleepy face because this was about one hour after waking:

so there's that, internet.